Alright, this is my first published story AND I’m not a writer so bare with me. And be good.
Here’s the TLDR:
- Went to see a psychiatrist
- Started taking medication
- Invested in a hobby
- Started seeing a therapist for individual counseling
- Started group therapy
- Stopped drinking alcohol
My early and mid 20’s were truly lawless. I was a complete wreck — on all levels: financially, emotionally, mentally. I was in default on my student loans, I owed money from abandoning various contracts, I had been evicted multiple times, car repossessed, living paycheck to paycheck. I had hostile relationships with friends and men. I couldn’t keep a friendship to save my life, most of the time people would end up avoiding me. I spent my weekends drunk, blackout, hooking up with men, and putting myself in precarious situations. I was wildly emotional unstable, depressed, and self-destructive. People knew me as drunk, irresponsible, attention-seeking and most didn’t want to hang around me — rightly so. However, in 2020 I decided enough was enough and I wanted to improve myself.
Seeing a Psychiatrist
I initially went in to see a psychiatrist because I knew I was depressed and having suicidal thoughts, so I wanted to be put on anti-depressants hoping it would help. After explaining to him my background, which includes some traumatic event and my turbulent relationships, he diagnosed me with Borderline Personality Disorder. I initially had a hard time processing it, but after a while I came to accept my diagnose because it meant to me hope. Hope that if I do my therapy and take my medication then I’ll get better. In the end it obviously took more work but it was a good start. I got prescribed medication that I still take. It’s absolutely not a cure all but it does help me stabilize my emotions a bit.
Invested in a hobby
I been involved in fitness for almost 3 years. It started off as me buying and following a program from a so called fitness influencer on ig. In hindsight that was dumb (I’ll discuss why that is another time), but it did allow me to get my toes wet into the fitness lifestyle. After 6 months of following the program I got bored and decided I would rather play into my competitive nature and compete in a fitness sport. My options were between Crossfit, powerlifting, weight lifting, or bodybuilding. I went with powerlifting because it’s simple — 3 attempts at 3 movements lifting as heavy as possible. Cool. I practiced at that by following various programs for about a year and a half. In late 2020, I finally decided I want to take this seriously and compete. So I hired a coach, got a real program, and signed up for a meet (March 13th!). Now I’m working towards a real, measurable goal and that feels me with purpose.
Individual Counseling
This step was one of the hardest to make for multiple reasons: it’s hard to find the right therapist, making appointments is hard, it’s expensive, and I didn’t see the point in it. I didn’t think therapy would help me because, in my mind, the same problems that I had walking into therapy were going to be the same problems I had coming out of therapy — so why go? Now I realize therapy doesn’t solve your problems or make them go away. It instead gives you the platform to talk about your problems in a nonjudgemental environment, and teaches you better coping practices so that problem solving is more emotionally manageable. I go to individual therapy bi-weekly, and fortunately my first therapist has been wonderful and I’ve stuck with her since. I would recommended when looking for a therapist try to find someone that is similar to you. For instance, my therapist is a young, black woman like me. Her being similar to me allows me to feel more comfortable and that my experiences are more relatable.
Group Therapy
After a few sessions of individual therapy my therapist invited me to attend group counseling to get the most out of therapy. I follow a specific type of therapy for BPD called Dialectical Behavior Therapy or DBT. DBT involves learning how to live in the moment, develop healthy ways to cope with stress, regulate their emotions, and improve their relationships with others. We learn this by incorporating behavioral skills we’re taught through a group setting and individual therapy. My small group is filled with other young, black women and we meet weekly to discuss life, to vent, to develop our behavioral skills, to validate each others experiences, and to connect. Being introduced to this group has been such a joy because we uplift and nurture each other, and we formed a little community amongst ourselves that is unconditionally forgiving. I highly recommend you look into joining a skills group if you’re interested in DBT.
Sobriety
Alcohol has been my only friend for a long time. It’s been there for me in the good and bad times - always offering me a warm shoulder saving me from my own emotional turmoil. It has also been the fuel for that turmoil. Quitting drinking has been by far the most difficult thing for me to do. Luckily, I never went through a physical withdrawal but mentally I feel like I needed alcohol as a crunch. I felt like alcohol made me a more interesting person, a more fun girlfriend, a more social person. All that may be true, but the problem is I didn’t know how to control my limits when drinking. I’d drink until I was near blackout. Now without it in my life I’m relearning how to socialize, how to be charismatic, and more importantly how to feel all of my emotions and cope. It’s been a process but the feeling of being more accountable, present, and in control of my life has made it worth it.
While these are the big milestones in my progression — there’s more work being done like developing a strict morning and evening routine, tracking my progress, frequent self-reflecting, goal-setting, budgeting, and learning self-awareness and productivity skills. I still have many hills and valleys to travel, but my foundation feels much stronger now.
